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message received, loud and clear
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[06 Jun 2006|07:42pm] |
I've moved.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) f_that_s is my recovery journal. I'll add anyone who adds me, but you should know that most of my entries will not be under a cut.
happy hell day.
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[03 Jun 2006|10:05am] |
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mood |
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ow ew ow ew ow ew |
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the hillard ensemble- april is in my mistress' face |
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I was addicted to laxatives throughout middle and high school, to the point that by the time I stopped using them, I had to take about 9 to have an effect (the recommended dose, for those lucky enough to remain ignorant, is 1-3.)
I took some last night for the first time in years, because a week of holding food down has taken its toll.
As it turns out, laxatives are not like riding a bike. You do not pick up where you left off.
So it was a mistake for me to take 6.
I started this entry over half an hour ago.
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[10 May 2006|04:25pm] |
So on Monday, I spent 4 hours in Long Island. There weren't any movie theatres around, so it all went to shit.
I spent about $50 in 4 hours, b/p-ing on Value Menu food at Taco Bell, McD's, Wendy's, Boston Market, and Subway. My tongue was sore by the end of the night.
Yesterday I ate a ton of food from the grocery store pizzeria.
I'm a pound lighter now than I was on Sunday morning.
Up yours, Morgan Spurlock.
I'm making my own documentary, and it's called Supersize Mia.
yay puns.
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[01 May 2006|10:30am] |
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wall of voodoo- mexican radio |
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This just in: I'm officially at my lowest weight of 2006.
Still way too much, of course, but it's an encouraging start. I just have to do whatever it takes to ensure that I don't let summer boredom make me gain again, the way I have for the past two summers.
I also start training in the bakery today. I really don't think it will make me eat more, but I could be wrong. At least the bakery is close to the bathroom.
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[17 Apr 2006|02:07pm] |
mike took me to the fanciest restaurant in amherst last night. (which is like saying he took me to see the best movie that Pauly Shore ever made, but still, it was really nice.)
As soon as I had the first bite of our appetizer, I deemed it "too nice to purge," so I didn't. I had an appetizer, entree, and dessert, and kept it down all night.
I had nightmares and kept waking up during the night because I needed water, but I didn't throw up.
I just got home from work, feeling really crappy, chalked it up to keeping down a 3-course meal, ate some mac & cheese and purged that... and last night's dessert... and last night's dinner... and last night's appetizer.
That stuff was in my system for almost 24 hours and it didn't digest.
Fuck.
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[07 Dec 2005|03:42am] |
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daft punk- let me love you boy |
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Well, fuck the hospital.
I had to have a physical before they'd admit me, and apparently my potassium was so low my heart could have stopped, blah blah blah, and I had to have a potassium IV. It felt like Drano, and I've never thrashed around so much or screamed so loud. It's how I imagine the Cruciatus curse would feel.
And that was before I was even admitted.
The week I spent in the hospital was the biggest waste of time of my life. Since my primary diagnosis was depression and not bulimia, the latter ran unchecked all week.
Anyway, I'm back on Prozac, because who needs a sex drive? I'm also going to exercise more, so I should be able to start losing weight again. I'd love to stop b/p, but right now I need a crutch. Excuses, excuses.
I'm picking up some sudafed tomorrow, though, so hopefully I can cut down on the number of times I b/p in a day.
If I lose ten pounds by New Years (TOTALLY doable) I will be starting 2006 forty pounds lighter than I started 2005. Not as good as I could have done, but still. Not bad.
I NEED TO GO TO BED I WISH I WERE SLEEPY.
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[12 Aug 2005|09:53pm] |
My housemate confronted me last night when we were drunk and now I can't b/p with him in the house.
He's home even more than I am and now I am so goddamned hungry.
I guess I'll wait until he goes to bed.
I hate this.
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[19 Jun 2005|10:00pm] |
tiny victories.
wanted: cookie dough and brownie batter
had: a cigarette
I've b/p'd at least 5 or 6 times today, but it could have been 7 or 8.
I won't do any more tonight.
Tomorrow's goal is nothing but fruit and vegetables. If I'm passing out at work, I'll eat something substantial, but that's it.
And I will run tomorrow when I get up.
Oh my God, I hate summer so much.
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[14 Jun 2005|02:11pm] |
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bright eyes- make war |
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Happy Flag Day.
Wait, it's a holiday. That's an excuse to smoke pot and eat!
Ugggggh. Not.
I'm so sick of people bitching about "fakes." We all know they're there. We're all annoyed. No one's two cents is new. I'd rather read ten entries by wanarexics than one entry by someone bitching about them.
I also hate when people bitch about people who bitch. Who do they think they are?
I've only thrown up once today and I've been up since 9. That's not great but it's a little better than usual. I also got my running out of the way while it was almost tolerable outside. But seriously, in this humidity, I cannot believe I didn't stop to walk, or to lie down and die. It was like dream-running. The air is 95% water and it makes me cranky.
Oh, and I just remembered I have my period. So go me.
I'm down a pound from yesterday. If I can keep up at this rate or close to it, there's no reason why I shouldn't be back in the low 140s by the beginning of July, and I can pick up where I left off and I won't have to feel disgusting anymore.
Because I do feel disgusting. This morning I was 155 on the scale that adds 3-5 pounds (the only one I'm listening to until further notice) and I remembered in April when I weighed 156 on my regular scale and was ECSTATIC and thought I looked SO GOOD, and then I looked in the mirror and I cannot sensibly believe I weigh less, or even around the same.
My thighs spread so wide when I sit that they look like those of a morbidly obese person. I saw them when I was stoned and I started crying in absolute horror. It was like I'd been on tranquilizers for months while someone sneakily added fat to my body, and then the tranqs wore off. I can feel the way my neck folds in on itself when I turn my head, and it makes me sick.
Like I say, pot smoking is something of a weight-loss aid for me. I can't smoke today, though, because I have work for the next few days and it drags terribly when I have a pot hangover. AGGGH>
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[12 Jun 2005|04:20pm] |
I'm very stoned and it makes little accomplishments seem big
but though i have b/p'd three times today, i have passed up opportunities to do so twice.
And when I got stoned, I wanted to binge on cookies and sandwiches. And instead I had a yogurt. It's Fruit on the Bottom, and I cried while I was mixing it together because it scared me so much. (Until recently, I had a true phobia of yogurt.) But I ate it and I can keep it down, and it was great.
if i don't give in now.
I have four 13-gallon bags in my closet, mostly full of smaller bags of vomit. They're starting to smell and attract bugs but I'm afraid to be seen bringing them out to the trash.
(Eating disorders are so glamorous.)
I'm going to try to nap, then go for a run tonight. It's been raining so it should be cool out.
By the way, just once I would like to end an IM conversation with, "I'm sorry but you are truly boring me, so I have to go now" instead of some lie.
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[26 May 2005|03:52pm] |
I don't know why today was different, but I couldn't focus my eyes. Objects were vibrating and sounds were distant. And I thought, "Just sleep it off. It'll go away." And I kept making jokes and relaxing with my housemates, and you wouldn't know anything was wrong unless you made me follow a pen with my eyes. Mike said I was kind of green; I blamed my nonexistent hangover. My hands are shaking; if anyone notices, "I'm cold." (I am.)
I wasn't going to eat or anything, and then I started to think about my parents. About how devastated they'd be if they knew any of this. About how much they love me and about how when everyone says it, they've shown it.
I've had a block of ramen, two big handfuls of chex mix, and a bowl of cashews. I'm keeping it all down. If I start to feel like purging, I will ask Mike to tell me a story or I will go online and find someone to tell me a story.
Or I will go to sleep. Keeping down food makes me tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. At this point, I really don't care how much weight I gain. Most of it will be water. I just can't handle this feeling. Physically, emotionally. I've never really felt alone until right now. I hope the food and the nap help, because I cannot take this.
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[24 May 2005|01:19pm] |
Um, hey.
I was running and I started having heart palpitations and a feeling like if I breathed in too deeply, my heart would explode. I had to turn around before I'd even run two songs' worth.
I know it's from all the stimulants, and that the purging didn't help any, but as this has never happened before, I need help. Has this ever happened to any of you (temporary heart problems brought on by stimulants)? How long does it take before it goes away? Before it's safe to exercise?
(I'd post this to some of my communities but like I said, I'm on a shared computer and can't log in.)
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[23 May 2005|09:07pm] |
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Ended up bingeing overeating (I don't consider it bingeing, for me, unless I eat until it hurts to walk and I'm actually concerned about my stomach rupturing) twice and purging three times yesterday. Whatever, I was under emotional duress. One of the most important people in my life left this morning and I spent last night feeling like someone had carved out my heart and was sitting in my chest cavity.
Today I'm feeling better and haven't overeaten or purged at all, and I've been awake for 12 hours. This is the longest I've gone without since February.
I had a close call, but I talked myself out of it, I think. And pretty soon my housemate will come downstairs so I won't have the option.
I'm around 800 calories for the day- not as good as I'd hoped, but not shameful. And it's all been healthy- the only caloric things I've had are Kashi, milk, and yogurt. Oh, and I c/s'd a handful of Chex Mix. I'm drinking a Diet Coke with Splenda (holy shit, sooooooooo goooooood, if you like regular Coke and/or C2- if you actually like the taste of Diet Coke [freak] don't waste your money) and I'll probably have some more tea later.
I'm starting to want to purge the Kashi. I can feel it coming up.
I won't, though. It will not kill me to digest Kashi. Christ.
Maybe I'll just purge what I can get up hands-free. For some reason, I feel like that doesn't count.
Well, this entry took a turn for the worse. Hope you're all doing better than me.
Oh, by the way, I'm not commenting because I'm on a shared computer and can't check my friends page. If anything way important has happened, leave a comment and let me know.
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[28 Apr 2005|10:49am] |
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matthew sweet- sick of myself |
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So, last night I learned a valuable lesson about 89-cent burritos. A lesson that I would have known from birth, had God seen fit to provide me with a shred of common sense.
That lesson?
NO, DUMBASS. NO.
They taste like old people on the way back up. I almost stopped throwing up because I didn't want to taste that anymore.
...I just realized what a backwards sentence that was. "Those burritos were so horrible, I almost didn't throw up."
I was doing so well, and then I got sick. And I use anything-- ANYTHING-- out of the ordinary to excuse my eating habits. So lame. After the miracle dip to 148.5, I'm back in the low 150s, which is crappy but I can deal. I'll get back there, and then below it, soon enough.
I don't know when I learned to be patient, but it's worked wonders. I've never lost this much weight all at once.
Since I'm slacking with the eating (what kind of douchebag, by the way, says, "Oh, my throat is a mess, so it's ok for me to stick my fingers in it"?), I'm stepping up the exercise. I've been to the gym every day this week except Tuesday, and I'm definitely going today, and I may run as well. It's about 11am now; if I'm not asleep by 11:30 I will suck it up and go for a run.
I hope I feel better soon, though, I kind of miss the feeling of restricting.
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[26 Apr 2005|10:25am] |
148.5.
It's still sad that this is good news, I know. But it's SUCH good news. I'm closer to 100 than to 200 now. Admittedly I was naked. And got roaring drunk (many apologies to anyone who read that gem of a post) and took laxatives last night, "just because." And haven't had any water yet. But whatever. Other than the laxatives, that's my usual condition when i weigh myself.
I was good until about 6- stuck to my plan exactly and drank lots of green tea. Then I talked to my mum, which is becoming depressing of late. I was so depressed I could hardly move, except to eat. And once we were drunk, we went to the convenience store and I got a ton of food. But I just realized I stole all of it, which is such a relief because I can't afford it.
I am a teeny bit hungover, so I am going to put on a pretty dress (white, because I have my period and love tempting fate) and go grocery shopping.
Oh, I wonder how much is in my account. more than $20, I know. Ok.
I'm going to buy so much watermelon, because it is an extravagance I can't afford. And nothing cures a hangover like a ridiculously inappropriate dress and expensive fruit.
Wow, that's so true it should be a cliche.
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[27 Nov 2004|12:30am] |
FRIENDS
ONLY.
Comment to be added.
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